kit_luve

The Navy recruiter called recently...it appears that I'm not mentally fit to join the navy...according to a physician I have cronic depression...this was gathered from 10 minutes going over my past medical history and a past attempted suicide when I was 16 and a short time after it was prooven that I had a slight hormonal imbalance due to a highly irregular period which had been fixed...that day I wnet home without even being offtered a psych eval...so the next week my parents and I applided for one...I should know better by now than to get my hopes up...perhaps I do have chronic depression but I've never been treated for it and even my own physician says that I am healthy(mentally)...so anyways we've waited for almost three weeks for them to call and say that my claim was denied...that's it...no reason nothing...I can't join the navy because of something I did when I was younger and according to them I'm not mentally fit enough for it...but they also won't give me a pysch eval to prove that I am...and I haven't even told my parents this because the very same day that I got the call from the recruiter's office my uncle's test results came back from the hospital, and while I'm working up the curage to tell my mom and dad that I can't join the navy my uncle calls very distraught because he has cancer...he's my only blood uncle and now he has to go get operated on and to remove the cancer(what they can anyways) because if they don't then he'll just keep getting worse and as far as I know they don't even know how bad it really is...so I can't tell my parents because my uncle is my mom's only sib and she's so stressed over this and I don't want to add to that stress level...I really don't know what to do and...I just want my uncle to be okay but if this surgery doesn't work out so well he most likely won't go for cemo(or however you spell it) and he was already talking about suicide....and in a few weeks my grandpa(mom's dad) is supposed to be coming up from florida, and he's such a negative person I don't think that my uncle could handle that negative basterd(yes my own mother is starting to hate her father because when the tests were first mentioned the first words out of his mouth were 'it's cancer and he's going to die'...heartless jack ass should just die already)...damn right now my life could be the next hit drama...and I now know from personal expierance that you should be carful what you wish for...after all I wished that something interesting would happen and look where that got me- denied from the navy and with an uncle with cancer...now all I wish is that this was all just a sick twisted horrible nightmare that my mind made up to torment me and that when I wake up I'm going to be 15 again and still dealling with childish woes...

my new quote:
A dream is just a fantacy that is out of you reach, it will never come true, but it is still there to tantalize you with hope...if it comes true it was never really a dream but a goal.

kinda depressing I know but I guess that's how I'm feeling at the moment. and I have the perfect poem for this time:

to have died alone
in a place with no name
to have fought and lost
in this twisted game

to have seen the goal
the haven of hope
reached for the life line
with it's broken rope

oh, what pain
oh, what strife
this great loss
of a fragile life

so insignificant
is your little heart
that on nary a whim
it just fell apart

fading is hope
poor faded light
this gaining darkness
this eternal night

consuming fear
suffacating scream
this pitiful hope
for this broken dream...

I think I'll stop depressing myself and just go to bed.
'Night anyone who might read this!!!

Luv ya,
Kit-Chan
 

Damn...my life is kinda monotonous...I wake up, spend half an hour in bed just thinking(if I don't have to go somewhere), I then get up and after doing andthing that I have to do(go somewhere, do dishes, etc.) I get on the comp and spend the rest of my day just reading or finding new things to read, or just surfing the net...no other way to say but, DULL...and all throughout these long redundent days of my life I somehow find away to avoid my family who know my(somewhat) schedual...even when they seek me out I somehow slip away without them truely noticing it...because of this I have gained the nickname 'hoodinie(spelling?)'...also for my aptitude to disappear when the words 'house work' comes within sneezing distance of me or my name...but I must say that, that is one of the few 'good' nicknames that my family has so lovingly given me...the other 'good' ones(in my opinion) are bitch, and brat(to name two)...
ok so I just know everyone has a humiliating nick name...or three...believe me it's something that is programed into everyone to give those you love names to completely and utterly embaress them with(I think it's so that they don't forget that we can make their friends, or that hot guy/girl over there, to laugh at them)...what are a few of your's??? one of mine is...not going to tell until I get somesort of feedback telling me that I'm not just talking/typing to myself(which I do do from time to time...and it's whole, LONG conversations or arguments with myself-ish...)

Luv ya,
Kit

P.S.: am on game 76 of Freecell!!! almost done with the firt hundred!!! that's 1/10,000th of the way through all the games of freecell!!!
 

have you ever tried to play all 1,000,000 games of freecell that come on many comps...I've tried it before but now I'm trying again...am in the 30's and it's actually kinda fun when your really bored. how far have you gotten in the number? if you haven't tried then try see how far you can get!!!
through out my long and aimlessly boring days I look for new thigs to do and to listen to and as such I have quite the random personality and many random facts or interests...right now my music staition of intrest comes from my sat conection and is BBC raidio 1...it's rather interesting and funny...but I really wish that I could listen to it live intead of delayed like it is...oh well doesn't really matter...
have you ever jsut felt like sleeping is so you turn off your alarm only to wake up and it be the next day??? I have and it really sucks and fucks up my days...I already have enough problems keeping track of my days without sleeping for a whole day...or even worse you fall asleep and then wake up look at the clock and see that the sun is setting but you think it's morning and so you're hurrying to get ready for school or work or whatever and then you're ready only to see that it's dark outside or to look at your clock and see that it's actually at night and not morning...oh that's happened to me so many time it's not funny...
oh I love girl scout cookies!!! my favorite are the samoas...only now they've changed the name to caramel delights...why change the name?!?!? it confuses people(ME!!!) and no one likes it when I miss out on my sweets...my candies and cookies are the only things that keep me from stabbing my family members or sleeping for days...I really ought to cut back on them, every one tells me that I'll regret it later as it'll either make me fat or diabetic...I'm thinking less rounded and more diabetic coma is in my future...fast metabolism runs in my fam and it kinda sucks when I get obsessed with something because I hate to put down what I'm doing(reading, studying(languages and stuffs), or whatever) to eat or sleep, but if I don't eat at least once within a 24 hour period(and that means a big hearty meal) then I start to get dizzy spells and headaches...it really sucks when you get really dizzy while reading a really long book or fanfic...
have you ever been left all alone at your house when you're feeling very paranoid??? well I have and it is not fun...see I have these recuring nightmares about zombie(laugh if you want but if you're being chased by dead people through your house or areas that are familiar to you, you'd be scared too...or just being chased by zombies in you head)...at first it was just every once in a while that I would have these dreams and they would be in either places I couldn't remember ever being or in areas I'd lived before now...but now they're more like two to three times a month and at least a part of my house is in the dream...right now I can't even go into my garage at night unless some one else is there with me because I get really paranoid about it(yes go ahead and laugh at that too if you want)...I blame this on my very overactive imagination, but my cousin blames it on my subconious telling me that I need to stop runnig from something, turn around and find out what my mind is telling me...I say to her "you turn around and face a horde of dead people wanting to take a nice bite out of you, and try not running away!!!"...
on a different-ish note...as I said earlier I've been listening to the BBC radio 1 and this news story continues to pop up...it's about a man who kept his daughter in a celler in his back yard for about 24years and has fathered 7 children from her...acording to what I've heard of it he was arrested last year and is being charged with rape and murder(one of the children died soon after birth)...I was just curius about other's views on this and more about how he was caught...I mean he kept it hidden for over two decades...how did he keep it a secret for so long then get caught???...I personally hope he get charged guilty for murder as well as rape and unlawful imprisonment...and gets put away until he dies...I also feel really sorry for the woman and the children she had...your views???
ok so I just saw my brother today and this makes me remeber all the problems that he's having in his life...so a few years ago he had a girlfriend under the legal age(he was 20 at the time she was 16) and they got caught in a park making out(and more I bet)...anyways her mother was the one who set them up but my brother still got charged with child molesting(kinda unfair because her mom allowed the relationship and she was 16 if she is of an age to get emancipaited(spelling???) then she is old enough to have a relatonship with someone at least one of her parents are ok with) and now with all the new laws for child 'preditors', and other sex offenders, my brother is have hell trying to get his life back in order because of the charges he has against him...he's been getting depressed and has even thought about suicide(though I think that runs in my family)...I mean I can understand that the gov. is trying to get a hold on child molesters, but some people who have messed up once are getting punished for a minority of the population and can't get their lives back on track because of all the new laws...I mean my brother can't even see his nephew(my sister's son) because of his probation...imagine if you weren't able to see your niece/nephew or son/daughter because you messed up...hell even some girls get guys in trouble because they want a good time but they lie about their age and then they end up pregnant and the guy gets sent to jail because of them lieing to them and when they try to get their live's back on track they get but fucked with two brooms at once...and on top of it all my brother has a probation officer who seems to have had a tree shoved up her ass and a huge grudge agaist any one with a sexual offence on their record so she's really hard on him and my grandma(who is at presant housing my brother until he can get on his own two feet) was threatend with charges of child endangerment because she has a high chair at her house for when her great-grandchild and my sister come to visit...I mean seriousely what crawled up her ass and started chewing it?!?!?...any opinion you have on the new-ish laws for sex offenders would be nice...
ok I think I'm done both ranting and rambling would love to here opinions and views on things I've writen...

Luv ya's,
Kit

Hello all!!!
so this is like the second entry so I'll tell you all alittle about me other than the fact that I am very unique(know to others as crazy and random).
I love to read just about anything that I feel has a good plot or is educational that I find interestiong at the time. right now that would be my dictionary but don't expect me to actually learn anything from it. am still on the first page and have  been for the past half hour...it's just so boring if I don't have anything specific to look up in it...but I am determined to read at least part of it...not just one page either!!!
I enjoy writing and write poetry mostly...many people think my poems are dark...I call them enlightening and truthful at time and random at others!!! I will post poems periodicaly when ever I feel like it. on top of writing poems I write fanfics and I love to basterdize childrens songs and almost anything happy that is sung for holidays that annoyed the crap out of me and made me happy when I re-wrote it in my own form...right now am working on '12 Day of Mayhem'. but will post it when am done!!!

sleeping is my tied with reading as my nuber one priority. yes that means that eating is not the number one priority(like it is for my family)...eating can wait so long as I've eaten at least one meal within the past 24hours...I just can't seem to ignore my stomach any longer than that...but when you have a really good new book or fanfiction...or are really inspired to write a fanfiction that you will most likely never show anyone...you can't help skipping a meal or two...
I think that's it...don't really have anything important to say just useless drables that many will ignore...hmmm...I really don't know why I even got a journal...I mean I'm pretty much tell people I don't know what I'm thinking and/or my opinion on things when I don't even keep a regular journal for myself...but then I guess letting people read my poetry is like putting a personal journal in front of them...oh wellz...before I go here's a poem of mine!!!


tell me what you think!!!